--- title: "How to be who I want to be and realise my full potential? · Sunergos" description: "Our behaviour at any moment is influenced by the role we happen to be in. As a parent I give my children advice, but when visiting a doctor I choose the role of listener. As a friend I may use dark humour in conversation,…" url: https://www.sunergos.ee/en/blog/how-to-be-who-i-want-to-be-and-realise-my-full-potential/ language: en --- [Home](https://www.sunergos.ee/en/) / [Blog](https://www.sunergos.ee/en/blog/) / Goals Article · Goals # How to be who I want to be and realise my full potential? Maarika Lember 14 January 2022 · 5 min read Contents 1. 01How do I know I have lost myself? 2. 02Self-awareness creates the ability to adapt to change FemaleMale **We all have many roles in life, and that is normal. The problem arises when we start defining ourselves through our roles – at work I am like this, with friends different, at home different again. This puts a person under great strain, because the real self tends to disappear beneath the roles. Management consultant Maarika Lember writes about how to stay yourself while filling different roles and realise your potential.** Our behaviour at any moment is influenced by the role we happen to be in. As a parent I give my children advice, but when visiting a doctor I choose the role of listener. As a friend I may use dark humour in conversation, as a sales representative rather not. In a conference audience, as a quick thinker, I may always ask questions, but as a leader running a team brainstorm I hold myself back so as not to block the flow of ideas. In all these examples I still remain myself, although I choose different behaviour depending on the role. The problem arises when people go a step deeper than choosing behaviour and start defining themselves through their role – at work I am one kind of person, at home a completely different one. Instead of a role, I would now seem to have several “selves” – an ordinary “self” and a professional “self”. This puts a person under very great strain, because at every moment you have to live up to a different “self”. Over the years, the layer of selves arising from different situations becomes so thick that there is no longer the strength to dig down to the real core, and the real self may get lost altogether. ## How do I know I have lost myself? When a person has lost their real self, it is as if they had no roots. The centre of their life is meeting others’ expectations, not acting on their own needs, to the point where they can no longer even say what personally brings them joy. In more severe cases, this leads to burnout. At first glance it may seem like mere wordplay: behaviour based on a role _versus_ me as a leader or parent. But there is a difference, and it lies in the reason why a person chooses different behaviour: 1. either I **am aware of my current role** and the situation, understand the impact of the behaviour I choose in that role and know what I want to achieve, 2. or I **have created an image of myself** and choose my behaviour based on how I define myself. For example: as a leader, I am businesslike and demanding. But if I change jobs, I will find it hard to cope if I end up in a group where friendly teasing is valued and people are inspired more by recognition and a kind word than by a demanding boss. I have created an image of myself and try to behave accordingly, although I should actually be guided by the new environment, by the likely impact of my behaviour and by how it helps me achieve my longer-term goals. Or another example: I am a parent who sets strict boundaries and stands up for what is best for my child. For years everything works, but when the child reaches their teens, the parent’s rigidity can cause big conflicts, because the child wants to decide for themselves what is best for them. Even if it leads to unwanted results, it is developmentally necessary for a teenager to experience things themselves and test their choices. It is time to understand that I can’t shape my behaviour according to the kind of person I consider myself to be, but must adapt to changed circumstances, keeping in mind my own long-term goal – raising an independent child who can cope in life. All roles change, people’s lives and situations change, the whole world changes. If we define ourselves through our role, we end up stressed in this whirl of change, because our image of ourselves is forced to change along with the role. This causes confusion, because contact with our deeper nature has been lost and we act only on expectations coming from outside. The wheel starts turning faster and faster… ## Self-awareness creates the ability to adapt to change In today’s rapidly and constantly changing world, flexibility is the trait that, according to research, best predicts leaders’ success. Flexibility can lead to excellent results as well as to burnout. The precondition for effective flexibility is self-awareness. By observing and analysing ourselves, asking others for feedback and drawing conclusions from it, we become aware of what suits us or goes against the grain, what matters to us and why, what we want and why. In short – we learn to know ourselves. To become more self-aware, you have to work on it purposefully. So as not to get lost in the whirl of roles and burn out, regularly ask yourself the following questions. **1\. What do I like and what don’t I like? Why?** You often have to admit that the why question isn’t so easy to answer. On closer inspection you may discover that it has been a habit of thinking or attitude picked up in childhood rather than an attitude you have felt through yourself. For example, in my first leadership position I mainly imitated my previous leaders. Over time, thinking through the reasons why I behave one way or another has allowed me to tell my team why I do something, and has brought a much calmer and more collaborative atmosphere. **2\. Why is it important for me to be like this? What does it give me? What value does it create for me and the people around me?** These questions create a connection with your inner nature and help you find your source of motivation – what matters most to you in life at this moment. This is where you find the inspiration to be the best version of yourself and realise your potential. Answer these questions regularly, for example once a year – start right now if you like and repeat it at the beginning of every year from now on. Be sure to answer in writing and keep your answers. That way, over time, you can see how your self develops – it never ends. Getting to know yourself is a lifelong process. I like A. Einstein’s saying: “Once you stop learning, you start dying.” Every time you think the picture is clear, something appears that irritates you or drives you up the wall. So you have once again become aware of one of your limits or been given reason to reflect on your nature. Once you have got to know yourself and your limits, you can also tell others about them. This creates clarity within you and also improves your relationships with the people around you. Together, all this helps you feel inner contentment and achieve goals that really matter to you. **NB!** **Goal setting is a powerful tool in both private and working life. In our [goal-setting e-course](https://koolitus.sunergos.ee/product/eesmargistamine-3/), designed above all for leaders, you will:** 1. get an overview of what makes goals work, 2. build an understanding of how goals and metrics are connected, and 3. learn, with video lectures and sample videos, to set and achieve effective goals. _**About the author:** Maarika Lember is an HR management practitioner, inspired by the wish to support the development of people and organisations and to see real results. For more than 20 years, Maarika has worked both as a consultant and coach, supporting teams in different companies, and as HR manager at the retail company Circle K. Today Maarika Lember works as a management consultant and partner in the team of the consulting firm Sunergos._ Related ## Read these too. [Feedback 3 February 2025 · 1 min ### Preliminary analysis – for whom and why? 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