--- title: "The importance of feedback in stressful times · Sunergos" description: "We need information to make wise decisions that help us adapt to the situation as well as possible. We also need emotional contact – we want to feel that we are cared for and valued. Feedback…" url: https://www.sunergos.ee/en/blog/the-importance-of-feedback-in-stressful-times/ language: en --- [Home](https://www.sunergos.ee/en/) / [Blog](https://www.sunergos.ee/en/blog/) / Feedback Article · Feedback # The importance of feedback in stressful times Reet Neemoja Founder, partner · 15 January 2022 · 4 min read FemaleMale **In times of rapid change and great uncertainty, feedback is a survival tool – you could even say the key to success. Feedback given regularly creates a sense of security and gives strength. Development partner Reet Neemoja writes about how to give and receive feedback in a tense situation.** We need information to make wise decisions that help us adapt to the situation as well as possible. We also need emotional contact – we want to feel that we are cared for and valued. Feedback makes it possible to meet both needs; with it we can express our wishes and needs and set boundaries. Regular feedback conversations are a great help in an uncertain situation. **The feedback paradox: we want to give and receive feedback, and we fear it** Have you felt that slightly hollow feeling in your stomach when your boss says to you: “I want to talk to you!” Or have you become anxious when you need to give someone feedback about your cooperation? Feedback makes us vulnerable, and we sense this both when receiving and when giving feedback – when we care about the other person, and also when we depend on them. This applies to both positive and critical feedback, but with the latter the risks are greater and so the emotions are stronger. Being vulnerable means having the courage to take a risk and listen with an open heart to another person’s thoughts and feelings, even when it may threaten our identity, i.e. our understanding of who I am. **The ability to give feedback supportively and receive it openly is worth its weight in gold** In a tense situation, the ability to give and receive feedback consciously is critically important. Poorly given feedback on the one hand, and the inability to receive feedback on the other, at best simply don’t create the desired change, but at worst amplify a crisis or conflict that has already broken out. Being open is the precondition for positive change. To be able to be open both as a giver and as a receiver of feedback, you need to consciously develop the relevant skills in yourself, so that the supportive skills are automatic enough at the moment they are really needed. With big changes, tension grows, and under tension our brain (and body) switches to survival mode, focusing on the fight-or-flight response. The parts of the brain connected with creativity, thinking and memory are switched off to a greater or lesser extent. So our brain works at only partial capacity and runs on an autopilot based on past patterns. So that this autopilot doesn’t lead us into the ditch, training that strengthens the behaviour patterns that ensure success is important. It is the same as in sport: when a movement is in our muscle memory, we can do it without thinking about it. We train our communication skills every day in every communication situation. The more we repeat a certain way of behaving, the more it becomes ingrained. When we see that a behaviour doesn’t bring the desired result, it makes sense to become aware of it, notice what didn’t work and then try a new way. So the earlier we become aware of our behaviour patterns and consciously change them, the easier it is to succeed. **Simple but effective things to keep in mind when giving and receiving feedback in a tense situation:** When giving feedback: 1. Notice the positive and give positive feedback as often as possible. 2. Give feedback at the first opportunity. 3. Be caring towards the other person (with the attitude: I want to help you succeed). 4. Express yourself clearly and without judgement (use I-language). 5. Notice and acknowledge feelings (“I feel…”, “It seems to me that you feel…”). This creates openness and supports presence. 6. Prepare for giving feedback (work through negative feelings and put your message into words clearly and without judgement). Before giving critical feedback, I recommend testing your readiness to give feedback using [Brené Brown’s engaged feedback checklist](https://daretolead.brenebrown.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/DaringFeedback-EngagedFeedbackChecklist.pdf). When receiving feedback: 1. Listen and try to understand. 2. Be aware that feedback expresses the needs of the person giving it. Focus on what their need is and how you can help them meet it. 3. Be aware of your development goals and listen to the feedback through the prism: how does this help me grow? 4. Stay in touch with your values, e.g. care, growth, curiosity, cooperation. You can do this by repeating to yourself: “I care”, “I want to grow”, “I am curious”, “I want to cooperate”. 5. Practise presence. Become aware of your strategies for getting rid of discomfort (e.g. getting angry, blaming, going numb, pretending the situation doesn’t make you uncomfortable) and practise not using them. Instead, be present and open. See also Maarika Lember’s thorough article [What to keep in mind when giving feedback?](https://www.sunergos.ee/en/blog/what-to-keep-in-mind-when-giving-feedback/) and take a look at the Sunergos [training videos for developmental conversations](https://sunergos.ee/arendavad-vestlused/) (in Estonian). **NB!** **So that you can polish your feedback skills as a leader, we have developed a thorough [developmental feedback e-course](https://koolitus.sunergos.ee/arendav-tagasiside/) (in Estonian), during which you:** 1. become aware of what influences the effectiveness of a feedback conversation, 2. practise giving and receiving feedback through practical tasks, and 3. learn, with video lectures and sample videos, to give feedback better. [See more about the course](https://koolitus.sunergos.ee/arendav-tagasiside/) _**About the author:** [Reet Neemoja](https://www.sunergos.ee/en/about-us/#reet-neemoja) is a process-oriented psychologist and coach with international experience, who has spent over 15 years supporting the development of various leaders and organisations – as an HR manager, a management board member and an external partner. Today Reet Neemoja works as a development partner for leaders and teams in the Sunergos team._ ![Reet Neemoja](https://www.sunergos.ee/images/team/reet-neemoja.jpg) About the author Reet Neemoja A process-oriented psychologist and coach with international experience, who has supported the development of leaders and organisations for over 20 years as an HR manager, management board member and external consultant. [Write to the author](mailto:reet@sunergos.ee?subject=The%20importance%20of%20feedback%20in%20stressful%20times) Related ## Read these too. 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