Questions are like keys – they open doors. Every question sends our mind on a new journey, and how far, high or deep we travel depends on the quality of the questions and on listening skills. That is why I value and enjoy coaching – both as a coach and as a client.
Every coach has their favourite questions. One of my recent favourites is: “What conversation are you avoiding?” I first heard this question about a year ago from David Clutterbuck, one of Europe’s top coaches and an author, and then started trying it out at suitable moments. This question always opens an exciting door and leads the person answering onto unknown paths… or even to a place where there is no path yet and it has to be created, putting one foot in front of the other. As a hiker, I especially enjoy journeys like this. I am happy to take clients (mostly figuratively) into the woods, and it has good results! The impact of coaching shows precisely when we go and explore the thickets and bogs we try to steer around in everyday life.
I have yet to meet a person who has no thought come to mind in response to the avoidance question. There are, however, those who are surprised that, before the question was asked, they weren’t aware they had been staying away from an important conversation or meeting. When working with the topic of an avoided conversation, we always arrive at an important obstacle whose overcoming or removal creates significant change.
The avoidance question makes us look at topics we have consciously or unconsciously overlooked. This question forces us to take responsibility. We now see the stump, thicket, mountain or even ocean on our way to the desired goal and have to decide what to do – turn our back and go the other way, or find a way to get through or across it. Taking responsibility is the first prerequisite for creating the life and future we actually want.
Sometimes holding a conversation can seem as incomprehensibly vast as an ocean, and even dipping a toe in the water makes you feel you will be swallowed. But once we become aware that this is so, the ocean becomes comprehensible, and our brain, which is incredibly resourceful, starts looking for solutions. By weighing the pros and cons of different options, we get closer to our truth – what the right choice is for us, what we actually want, how important our goal is to us and so on. Sensing even more deeply, we understand the values that guide us and can decide whether they serve us today or have become an obstacle. When we realise that a value that once helped us has today become a lifeless remnant, we can let it go and choose in its place a value that helps us take the next important step or leap in the current situation.
Why bother at all and take the uncomfortable path of becoming aware of avoided conversations and, even more so, of having the conversations that are needed? Conversations are a leader’s main tool, and their success depends on wisely chosen conversations and the quality of those conversations.
A short thinking exercise
Think of an important goal you want to achieve. In the light of this goal, ask yourself: “Which conversations am I avoiding?” and take a moment to write down, uncensored, all the conversations that come to mind – important and trivial, big and small. When no more thoughts come, ask: “What else?” and keep writing.
Do this exercise in writing, because writing engages more areas of the brain than thinking, and so you get much deeper into the topic and into yourself.
From your avoided conversations, choose the one that is most important to have in the light of your goal.
Imagine that you have already had this conversation. What has changed in terms of achieving the goal? How do you feel?
Is having this conversation worth taking a risk and stepping out of your comfort zone? If so, what do you need to handle this conversation as successfully as possible?
