It is the season of feedback and feedforward conversations. Despite the best intentions, leaders find again and again that even carefully prepared feedback, polished to be free of judgement, still causes the recipient unpleasant emotions and a counter-reaction. How do you deal with that?
First of all, be aware that this is normal. It is human. None of us likes being pushed out of our comfort zone (and even the most carefully worded feedback does that). Accept it, and listen with care and curiosity to what the employee themselves thinks about the matter. Then, at a suitable moment, once the first emotions have been expressed or have dissolved, ask a question that guides the employee to see the wider picture or another perspective.
A short list of things to take into account when giving feedback – to be sure you have given your best:
- The right timing
- A private place
- Enough time
- Preparation on content done
- The leader is 100% present
- Making contact with the employee before starting the feedback – showing sincere interest in them as a person here and now, e.g. “What has your day been like so far?”
- An agreement to talk about it / an introduction: “I have an observation I would like to share with you, and I’d like to hear your view of it too.”
- A clear and concrete, non-judgemental description of the event. Without embellishment.
- Putting your intention into words: “I’m talking about this because I care about you and want you to succeed in your new role…” This is the part we usually don’t put into words (it is mostly expressed non-verbally), but putting your intention into words increases the recipient’s sense of safety and reduces the tension in the air.
- Asking for the employee’s view and listening to their story. The leader putting into words what they heard and what it means.
- Explaining the impact of what happened – how it affects you as a leader, your department, the company, its reputation and so on. It helps the employee see the connections and their part in a bigger whole.
- Generating possible solutions together / discussion
- Putting agreements into words for the future
The two most general recommendations:
- Pause – in translation, this means give the other person time to think.
- Use reflecting – to check your understanding and reduce the other person’s tension, rephrase what you heard in your own words (both a summary of the content and its possible meaning, i.e. what was hidden between the lines). This gives both you and the speaker confidence that you have understood the matter in the same way. It also shows that you are really present and listening carefully, which in turn increases the employee’s willingness to cooperate.
What to do with feelings?
The person giving feedback can’t take responsibility for the feelings that come up in the other person. They stem from the other person’s earlier personal experiences and interpretations. Fear of the feelings that might come up is the main reason why we tend to postpone giving feedback or avoid it altogether.
It helps to remind yourself that it is OK for feelings to come up and that time is needed to get through them. As a leader, you can be a neutral and supportive bystander, give time and accept the reaction that has come up. If you feel emotions rising in yourself too and your neutrality is slipping, it is a good idea to take a break and agree to meet again on the same topic the next day.
Besides minor offence (Who are you to talk to me about this? You don’t know anything about my field/work), the main source of an emotional reaction is the threat the employee perceives to their self-image (It turns out I’m not as good at this as I thought). Safety is one of a person’s basic needs, and they try to restore their inner balance by starting to defend themselves.
When the leader understands this mechanism, it is easier to stay calm and also help the employee get over the shock by reflecting what is happening: “You didn’t think something like this could turn out to be important?”, “It feels unfair to you that I’m talking about this?”, “It feels unjust to you that I’m talking to you in particular about this / that I raised this topic now?”, “You feel that I don’t understand the situation correctly?” and so on.
If needed, you can encourage the employee: “You are a highly competent specialist in this area. This is a nuance that can be polished even further. Your development matters to me and I believe in you.”
Finally
Giving feedback also requires great self-awareness from the leader – the ability to both notice and manage what is going on within yourself. It is also worth thinking through in advance the 3 criteria of good feedback put into words by Socrates:
- Is it true (do you know or do you think)?
- Is it kind towards the recipient?
- Is it necessary and useful to them?
I wish you courage, curiosity and care in dealing with difficult topics!
NB! So that you can polish your feedback skills as a leader, we have developed a thorough developmental feedback e-course (in Estonian), during which you:
- become aware of what influences the effectiveness of a feedback conversation,
- practise giving and receiving feedback through practical tasks, and
- learn, with video lectures and sample videos, to give feedback better.
About the author: Maarika Lember is an HR management practitioner who has worked for more than 20 years as a consultant and coach, advising various companies on shaping a supportive organisational culture.
